〔雅思〕谁能帮忙给这篇作文打下分并指出不足〔雅思〕

〔雅思〕谁能帮忙给这篇作文打下分并指出不足〔雅思〕
Question:Schools should teach children academic subjects which will be beneficial to them in their future careers.In so saying,subjects such as music or sports are not important.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In recent years,public attention to education issues is rising rapidly as more people are willing to receive better education.One of the opinions is that since it is the academic subjects that contribute to their future career,the non-academic subjects don’t seem so important and beneficial compared to the former ones.In this essay,I’ll give reasons as to why I disagree with this opinion and why the two kinds of subjects are both of vital importance.
Nowadays,students tend to be under much greater pressure and stress than before and in turn,suffer from a lack of relaxation.The non-academic subjects could provide the students with a change in the pace of study and at the same time reduce the tedium and monotony of school life.Take music course as an example,students are able to get relaxed completely during a music course after a boring day.
Another reason why non-academic subjects are essential is that these subjects aim at cultivating personal interests and practical skills which are necessary for the students to become well-rounded individuals.For instance,courses in terms of sports can successfully provide students with social skills such as teamworking ability,leadership skill,interpersonal skill as well as communication skill.
However,those opposed to the view given above state that overemphasis on the non-academic subject can adversely affect study efficiency because of the limited time and energy students nowadays have.Despite of the truth of this point of view,a better solution can be utilized.Schools could provide non-academic subjects as an optional aspect of the curriculum.By doing so,students have the opportunity to pursue a broader range of interest provided they have sufficient time and energy.
In summary,while the academic subjects are the main factors that help students with their future career,non-academic subjects also contribute to the development of their personal and social skills.Thus,schools could teach academic subjects as a main part of curriculum and at the same time teach non-academic subjects in order to provide a well-rounded education to the students.