各位英语高手帮我评价一下我的考研作文

As illustrated in the picture,two crippled people threw down their crutches and traveled around the world.Accordingly,this far-reaching picture reflects a common phenomenon in today’s society:if one cannot do something well,cooperation will have a great effect.
To begin with,the purpose of the drawing is to show us that,since we live in a high-speed lifestyle,we may encounter a huge amount of plights.Sometimes we would be in trouble if no one helps us.
Furthermore,we should offer some help when others confront dilemma.
Last but not least,the personal competency alone is not sufficient,for example,I have played a gun game called time crisis hardly for 2 years.I only can play a very low score in Shanghai.But Hongkong players got really terrible scores with their team.This is the power of the cooperation.
Judging from what have argued above,we should not wean ourselves to cooperation.Specifically,we should take a positive attitude to helping others.I believe in this way the relationship between people will be more harmonious and that our society will be a better place for us to live in.
改了一些语病,可是文字不够强烈,例子不够详细.突现不了你文章的中心思想.有些地方未能连贯,内容不清晰,令人很难跟着你的思路走.你可以用中文写一次吗?得继续修改.
No hard feeling.You score is eight out of twenty in my opinion.

怎么感觉有点模板的意思呢...假如太模式化分肯定不会太高。不过看的出来里面还是用了一些考研单词的。假如让我打分的话13分吧。

呵呵,我也是10年考的.
我英语不大好,不过我前阵子上过冲刺班,我说说我自己的看法哈
1.要拿高分,就要多长句,一句起码20个单词以上.
2.句型变化要丰富,例如用点倒装啊,同位语之类的.
3.举例最好不要举自己的例子.
你参考下吧,希望对你有帮助...