请帮我看一下我的雅思作文，并按照经验来大致打个分

请帮我看一下我的雅思作文，并按照经验来大致打个分
题目：
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits.
do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?
作文：
It is an argument that to be a celebrity,what can bring to the person. Somebody says that benefits more than problems,but someone else thinks negative things more than positive things. I think, however,to be a celebrity, it gets benefits more than problems. In this essay, I would like to provide my points of view as below.
Initially, to be a celebrity is not easy for everyone. You may have to work hard and put more effort into the thing you want to make it successful. It’s a hard time during the way to get your propose, so it can change a man whatever he was to be a great man. Pop stars or sports personalities, you can see their performance in TV, but you could not see they were working hard behind people.
Besides, celebrity is always watched in public,which makes you have more attention from people. You can make influence to the society to change unfair things by yourself. It’s effective and direct way to make people living better. People observed celebrities and learn things from them, so celebrities can introduce positive things to people.
However, to be observed by public is not always make you comfortable. Your private stuff will be judged by others and cannot be hidden from people. So celebrities need to be more careful in their own life and public with presses.
In conclusion, to be celebrity there will bemore benefits than problems. I hope everyone wants to be celebrity will makehis dream come true and make society more positive.