帮我改改这篇ENGLISH(英文)有哪些错,麻烦大家了.尽量说说错的原因和怎样修改.

hello,(Hello)ereryone, let me introduce myself, my name is Leung Eddy ,
you can call me Eddy Chak .I live in Prince Edward , i work in
Prince Edward , and i study in Prince Edward.(I do not only live, but also study and work in Prince Edward. So it is very convenient for me, and I also can save a lot of money. ).so ererybody say me lucky that so near to do ererything.(That's why everybody says that I am so lucky.) i think so, too.and i think the best is i can save many money. (Yeah, I am a lucky boy/girl.)
i like play volleyball (I like to play volleyball), and sometimes i play in Fa Hui Park, (I sometimes play volleyball with my friends in Fa Hui Park.)i also like play computer games , but i had not play that for a long time when i work out. (I also like to play computer games, but after I went out for work, I didn't play it anymore.)
my dream is go to Traveled in China , (My dream is that I can travel around China.)now i had been guangdong many place,(so far, I have been to many places, including Guangdong.) i think traveled most in need many many money ,so i had work hard to money,
and save in bank to achieve that. i will carry on.(I know travel can be very expensive, so I am planing to work harder and harder in order to save more money. Then, I can put on my backpack and continue my travel.)
That's all, thank you.

Hello. Please let me introduce myself. My name is Eddy Leung, but you can call me Eddy Chak. I live, work and study in Prince Edward, which is very convenient and also allows me to save money. People ...

Hello,everyone.My name is Leung Eddy.You can also call me Eddy Chak. I live,work and study in Prince Edward.It's so convenient for me to do everything. People say I'm lucky. I also think so and I thin...

感觉很生硬，如果是口语练习，句子可以缩写很多。老外说话没这么麻烦的。