各位帮我看看这篇英语作文有没有什么要修改的啊~

各位帮我看看这篇英语作文有没有什么要修改的啊~
包括语法词汇丰富度句式等等 The most considerable factor that I want to attend in Queen’s is its environment: the environment of professors, students, fantastic facilities and culture. If I could successfully attend in, I will surely make good use of this precious situation. Firstly, I will be dynamic to participate in any activities that I am interested in. Despite the fact that there are some of them I am not really good at, but I will give my effort. Thus, I will be able to establish my friend circle and improve myself. Secondly, studying in Queen’s is definitely a chance which I must cherish. Never will I give up fighting for my family and Queen’s. To be a surgeon is my dream all the way through. I can obtain a sense of value when patients recover owing to me. Moreover, I am going to find a part-time job for my school fee. It could be washing dishes or playing drums in pubs. Anyway, it is necessary to reduce the economic pressure of my family.
还有一段打不下了，大家先看这段