请问这样的雅思作文能拿到5.5么

请问这样的雅思作文能拿到5.5么
题目是computers do not help children to learn more effectively.on th contrary.Their usage has a negative effect on both the physical and mental development of young people .to what extent do you agree or disagree?
To day ,using computer is becoming more and more popular and it makes an significant impact on people’s life specialy for children’s,but it also bring a drastic argument.Some people believe that using computer is more cons than pros no matter mantal or physical.According to a research,it is said that the children’s short sight pecentage incease sharply than 5 years ago,and tend to more yonger ,and the main cause is that children using computer is not old enough.In the news,we always catch that some children closed heart because of hook on internet games,what’s worse ,some of them gets illness on mind.This proof strengthen people conviction to resist computer.
As for me ,I hold that we should not so passive to computer.Computer makes our life becoming rich and colourful,it is witness by everyone.In the school ,computer is used for class teaching widely.There is a survey prove that children have more interested in computer flash than traditional teaching .After class ,many children using computer to study outside of class knowledge such as online classes ,drawing ,programme and so on .The activity is helpful to nurture their creativity.
Therefor,I consider to using computer reasonable is the key to solve the problem.We should not ingore the computer’s advantage .In fact the the ability of self control in children is lack,they are easily to been effect on environment,So parents should give them right guide,for instance ,because of teachers reasonable guide ,the computer play an irrepalceable role in the school.All in all ,computer is a production in scientific development period,our subjective idea is the main reason to effect our life.